One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
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