Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
