I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
