im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
