Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Randomize
