are you still at the devil's house?
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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