I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
