allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
