Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
