She is in my trunk
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
