Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
