Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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