dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
