I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
