i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
