I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Randomize
