our cab driver is having phone sex.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
We don't watch enough power rangers
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
