I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
