I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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