even my farts smell like vagina
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
