I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
