Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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