i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
