Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Randomize
