Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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