i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
