9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
