i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
