She is in my trunk
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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