wrigley field is MILF paradise
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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