when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
