Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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