Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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