Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
