Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
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