I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
