if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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