watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
