Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
