I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
