I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
i would one night stand the shit outta him
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
