based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
