I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
