Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
