idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
