you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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