How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
