When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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