i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
