Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I can't turn off my feet"
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
