Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
