when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
